wanna go halves on a baby?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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