Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
