My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
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I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.