the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
