Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
