I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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