I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
