I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
