he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
