Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
