I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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