Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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