Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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