So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
