Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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