She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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