It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
