some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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