ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
