We won't sleep together?
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
