i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
