Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
