You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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