a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
