I wish I could teleport
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
