you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
