I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
