I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
