So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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