I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
did you just send me my own nude
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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