fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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