Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
