the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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