If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
