you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
