Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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