If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
