On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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