I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
