Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
