I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
