be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
