Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
