Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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