its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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