Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
