Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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