This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
