i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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