fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
