i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
