the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
