mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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