My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
