I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize