Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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