Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
